Starfire

Starfire   by Dale Brown

CAUTION: THIS BOOK IS TOXIC

In the author’s bio, included at the start of this book, it states, ‘Dale, his wife… and son… live near Lake Tahoe, Nevada, where he enjoys flying his own private jet, a Grumman Gulfstream II.’

So to begin, the author felt it necessary that we know that not only does he have a private jet that he flies, but it is important that we know the type of private jet also. This is to remind readers that their bicycles and cars are laughable when compared to the mode of transport available to this apparently successful author.

Why? Because he is an arrogant asshole and it would seem that everyone else is to be regarded as a plebe in the world of Dale Brown.

Clive Cussler says that ‘Dale Brown is the best military adventure writer in the country.’ I wonder if Cussler has ever read any of Brown’s books. As it happens, I have read one of Cussler’s books, just one… once… Let me tell you, a recommendation from Clive Cussler is not, in my opinion, much of a recommendation at all.

As for the content of Starfire, I can’t tell you anything beyond the first chapter. That’s where I stopped as I felt ill. However, to get to the end of the first chapter I had to wade through 4 pages which listed the ‘Cast Of Characters’. This was reminiscent of something that a 9 year old schoolboy who is an avid fan of comic book heroes would do on his first foray into the world of writing. This was followed by 3 pages of ‘Weapons And Acronyms’. Then came 4 pages of ‘Real-World News Excerpts’ and 14 pages of the prologue. None of it was enjoyable.

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The first chapter was 30 pages long. That’s 30 pages of over-elaboration on technology and weapons systems. 30 pages of trying to convince us of how bad the Russians are (it is set in the present day and was first published in 2014). 30 pages of erratic bullshit. I couldn’t go further and wouldn’t advise anyone else to, either.

From the piece that I suffered through, I would guess that Dale Brown lived through the 1950’s and spent the last 60 years in suspended animation before being defrosted and set out again. His passage structure is terrible. His character representation is awful. I honestly do not know how this book got published. Nor do I understand how he has apparently published 23 novels in total, fourteen of which ‘have been New York Times bestsellers’. George Soros has a lot to answer for.

This book is so bad that my dog started to bark at it when I brought it home. He sunk his teeth into it and was then seriously ill for 5 days. It cost me a small fortune in vert’s bills but, although it was touch and go, he’s made a full recovery. That’s how bad this book is.

This book is so bad that when I placed it on the table beside the wall, the paint began to peel off and it left a dark scorch mark on the wood. That’s how bad this book is.

This book is so bad that it has a shelf-life of 10,000 years. It needs to be placed in a barrel of reinforced concrete and stored in a subterranean cavern for ever. That’s how bad this book is.

This book is so bad that as I took it from the library, crocodiles swam quickly into the water and flocks of birds took off from all the nearby trees. Hippos ran away. That’s how bad this book is.

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This book is so bad that even the tumbleweed were afraid to come out. That’s how bad this book is.

This book is so bad that when I brought it back to the library, all of the librarians began to cry uncontrollably. That’s how bad this book is.

This book is so bad that North Korea and Iran have already purchased whatever copies are left after Israel raided the warehouses that stored the highly unstable tomes and stole the lot. That’s how bad this book is.

This book is so bad that I have been unable to get an erection since handling it. That’s how bad this book is.

I hope that I have managed to get across just how bad this book is.

Sult scale rating: for the first time I do not have a rating for a book, that’s how bad this book is.

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