As we face into (yet) another election, and as we consider the relative strenghts of both Sinn Féin and the DUP, I thought we could take a look at how the two leaders would shape up against one another.
The question then becomes, who would win a street-fight, O’Neill or Foster?
If we compare stats to begin with, it is apparent that Foster has a distinct advantage. She has the build of a real bruiser. As she is a born and bred country girl from Dernawilt in Fermanagh, she would be accustomed to the rough and tumble of country pursuits. She does appear as if she might be able to wrestle bullocks into any position she wants them, one under each arm. I can see her tossing bales of wet hay about as if they were Alliance Party manifestos. Arlene Foster was originally a Kelly, and we all know about how wild they can get. Look at the trouble Ned got himself into, in Australia.
In the following clip, we can see how impressive a structure Arlene really is. Although her choice of attire in this video does make her appear as if she is a bull dyke (or whatever the wholly p.c. equivalent is), she can still be assumed to be someone who knows how to launch a powerful haymaker when provoked sufficiently. Personally, I reckon that she could lift the jowly head right off Nigel Dodds if he dared to take what is hers. At her peak she resembles an East German weight-lifter. Look for signs of chest hair in the clip.
Now we must have a look at Michelle O’Neill. Hailing from Clonoe in East Tyrone, O’Neill is a different client altogether. As Clonoe is all bog, O’Neill can be presumed to have spent her free time cutting turf and hauling creels of the stuff all over the locality whilst trying not to trip over her shawl.
Tyrone women are all known to be half-mad. Bernadette McAliskey (nee Devlin), is from the same area and is lauded (rightly) for slapping Reginald Maudling, a Tory Home Office minister. It is rumoured that she would have planted her Tyrone foot in his Conservative balls if not for the fact that her skirt was too tight and she wasn’t wearing her best underwear.
Michelle O’Neill does not look as if she, herself, would be idle if a brawl broke out in the Hill Club during a typical sean-nós night. On balance, I’d say that she would comfortably kick the living shit out of Francie Molloy (who looks like a Dubliners reject). O’Neill has risen to the top in an area where fighting over everything, including favourite colours, is considered essential. She isn’t the sort to back down, even if she knows she’s in the wrong, but I would not be the one to suggest that this is a trait common to all women, and will leave such a sexist remark to someone else, who has a deathwish. In the following video, we can see her in her element giving out to local fellas and eyeballing anyone who dares to glance too long at her legs. Note: see the fear in Francie Molloy’s eyes as he walks beside O’Neill, trying desperately to keep up with her and not look like Gimli’s lunatic uncle.
So Foster is a tough bruiser who packs a mighty wallop. Yet she would be slow to react. Arlene would be like a Unionist bulldozer who will lay waste to anything and anyone who steps into her path, once she gets going.
O’Neill, on the other hand, is quick and agile, like a Clonoe cougar. She has sharp teeth, sharp claws and a sharper tongue. She would move fast, picking her target before striking and then darting back. Ducking and weaving, poking and jabbing, O’Neill is likely to wage a war of attrition against her much larger opponent in an attempt to wear her out.
Fosters muscles are impressive, as is her Planter determination. Yet it would seem as if the resilience and guile of O’Neill, combined with her steely frame and ferocious nature, would be more than enough to render Arlene helpless.
You might decide otherwise, but in my opinion, in a no holds barred, anything goes street-fight, I believe that the wiley operator from the shores of Lough Neagh would come out on top, suffering only from a brief shortness of breath. Poor Arlene doesn’t stand a chance.
See for yourselves how they compare, in the following photograph, taken just before recent contract negotiations between both combatants and their porn-king Japanese sponsors for the proposed political deathmatch. Note: both fighters chose to wear red in case hostilities unexpectedly broke out (Arlene’s right hand is nipping Michelle’s lumbar region in a sneaky Planter attack whilst her left is cupping Saggi Hairiscroto’s ass).
To hell with McGregor/Mayweather, I want to see a real fight. Let’s get this on!